What Is--What Was--What Was Always Meant To Be
by EllieBear75
Summary: Lilly has been on the sidelines, watching Veronica's life spin out of control. Maybe with a little help from Logan, they can remind their friend of the strong, courageous woman she once was, and still is, so she can help herself. TW: sexual assault TW: alcoholism
1. Chapter 1

"You should only wear this. Ever."

Logan chuckled, shaking his head as he approached Lilly. Shuffling his bag off his shoulder, he dropped it near her feet in the middle of the busy airport before bending and wrapping her in a giant hug that lifted her off the ground. Laughing loudly, she grabbed the white dress uniform cap off his head and planted it on top of her long blond hair as he returned her to her feet.

"Thanks. I had a meeting with my superiors at Navy HQ just before catching my flight and I didn't have time to change."

Stooping, he scooped his bag up and swung it over his shoulder. As he rose, he snatched his lid off Lilly's head and placed it securely on top of his. Lilly's mischievous blue eyes sparkled up at him and she crossed her arms across her turquoise wrap dress, a wry smile on her deep plum lips. Though it had been a year since he last saw her, it always amazed him how she managed to seemingly stay as fresh and vivacious as she was as a teenager – even if they were all now on the other side of thirty.

"A likely story. You should wear that to dinner tonight…Veronica may just walk out of the house of her own volition and this mission will be easy-peasy." Lilly snapped her plum-manicured fingers in the air.

"Lilly…"

Letting out a sigh of frustration, Lilly rolled her eyes, turning her back to Logan as she started to walk away, causing Logan to quickly follow. They hadn't had sex in almost a decade, and still, sometimes he felt like her lap dog.

"So, how's Catherine?"

Flicking her two closely cut fingers in the air, Lilly laughed. "Fine. She just left to shoot a show in Paris this morning – I'm going to join her in another week. I promised her I wasn't interested in cock anymore and she said to give you her best. How's what's-her-name?"

"Layla? Wouldn't know – haven't seen her in months. That's what happens when you find your girlfriend in your bed with her ex-boyfriend."

Lilly glanced over her shoulder at him, her teeth clenched together as she sucked in air. "Geez. Sorry. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Doesn't matter. Just another in a long line of mistakes. She only moved in because her apartment was being fumigated – it's not like I actually lo…"

Pressing his lips together, Logan decided to say no more, hoping Lilly would just drop it. Pulling his aviator sunglasses from his pocket, he tried to hide his eyes, hoping she wouldn't do that trick she always did of seeing directly into his soul with those wide, witchy eyes of hers.

"No. We know who you _actually love_ – which is why you're here. She's turned into an elegant drunk and Duncan isn't helping so _we_ have to do something, before it's too late." Stepping through the sliding doors of the airport and out into the bright California sun, Lilly continued her pace, not looking back at Logan as she spoke. "Veronica needs you, Logan, now more than ever."

"How many times have we been over this? She loves me…as a friend…like she loves you. That's it. That's all it's ever been."

Lilly stopped short in the parking lot, causing Logan to almost run right into her as he failed to compensate for her halting. "And I told you, like a million times, on her wedding day to my brother, she started to get cold feet and talked about this mysterious 'what if' with some guy. What if _he_ really cared and this was a mistake? Maybe _he _would come forward and tell her he loved her, before the ceremony? She wouldn't tell me who she was talking about, but when you showed up at the door with that note from Duncan, I thought she would jump out of her skin."

Pursing his lips, Logan raised his finger in front of her face. "One time, Lilly. I kissed her that one time and it was an accident."

"Oh, sure it was. You thought you were climbing into bed with me." Rolling her big eyes again, Lilly cocked her head to one side and sighed dramatically. "Even though I left the party with Casey that night."

"I. Didn't. Know! How was I to know she was going to crash in your bedroom?! She and Duncan were engaged for fuck's sake – why wasn't she in_ his_ bed that night?"

Logan felt himself starting to lose his cool. It had been almost fifteen years since that night – when they were eighteen years old and Logan staggered into Lilly's bedroom, hoping the sexual inuendoes she had been tossing him all night at the party would lead to another no-commitment fuck before she left for Vassar the next day. Spying the back of her long blond hair stretched across the pillow in the semi-darkness as she slept, the satin duvet pulled up over part of her face - and knowing how Lilly was more than amiable to waking up to his hands on her - he slipped under the covers, fully clothed, next to the blond hair and wrapped his body close to hers. He remembered how she sighed, pressing her half-naked body back against his, making him instantly hard and ready, if she wanted him. He was drunk and stoned, but when he burrowed his face into her hair, he realized the scent was not Lilly – this was soft floral and sugar and vanilla, the delicate aroma of Veronica. In that second he froze, realizing his mistake, but paralyzed at what to do. It was then that she rolled in his arms, her eyes half open and glassy as she parted her soft pink lips.

"_I was hoping it was you,"_ was all she said before her lips brushed his, smooth and light, her breath caressing his skin as she moved her body against his. That's when he allowed himself the biggest mistake of his life, closing his eyes and sinking fully into a deep, warm kiss. Now he still remembers how her hands cupped his cheeks as they continued to tease each other, gently, tenderly, and his cock twitches just thinking about how he desperately wished he could make love to her right then and there. But instead, he stopped, pausing briefly as his eyes met hers, recognizing that he was in fact in bed with not only the woman he had secretly grown to love as more than a friend, but also the fiancée of his best friend. Without a word, he retreated, and dealt for the next year with the unsaid between them and the pain of watching her walk down the aisle with someone else, one year later.

"You _know_ why she wasn't in bed with my brother as well as I do – because Donut is terrible in the sack. I mean, what kind of man doesn't eat pus…" Beside them, the door to a minivan opened, and a very stern looking older woman stepped out with a glare in their direction, just as the side door slid open and two kids tumbled out. Lilly's eyes became wide as saucers before a snort of laughter rose from her throat. "…pussycat. You gotta see the kittens, Lo. They're adorable!"

She slapped him on the shoulder, and he chuckled, tipping his hat slightly to the pissed-off mother trying to wrangle her kids before Lilly began walking quickly away. Catching up to her, Logan shook his head.

"You need to let this drop, Lilly. This is one of the reasons I joined the Navy in the first place – to give Veronica and Duncan some space to figure things out without me around being the third wheel. And every time I visit, it looks like they have. She's a successful corporate lawyer. He's Mayor of Neptune for Christ's sake! They have a big 09er house, and a beach house in Santa Barbara, and a jet that can take them anywhere they want in the world. I would say they have this whole adulting thing down."

Lilly finally stopped at her little red Fiat convertible, bending slightly to open the trunk for Logan's bag. He tossed it inside, and she slammed the lid closed a little harder than needed. "Looks are deceiving, Lo. Veronica's been miserable for a while now - she's just always had her job to distract her - but ever since her dad died a few years ago, it's all spiraled out of control fast and I'm worried that she'll end up like her mom - or my mom, or _your _mom - some drunk socialite, trying to keep up appearances, even if it kills her."

Shaking his head, Logan scratched his cheek in thought – trying to reconcile the Veronica he knew with the one Lilly was describing now. Even though he'd moved across the country, Veronica had remained his friend for all these years – sending him care packages of homemade cookies while he was in basic training, and then throwing him a large congratulatory party the first time he returned home before his first mission abroad. There were emails and phone calls on special occasions and Logan was proud every time he returned home to Neptune that he could maintain this special connection with her, even if they were separated by miles and time.

And when Duncan called to tell him about Keith Mars' death, he hadn't hesitated to jump on a plane in the middle of the night, to be there for his friend the next day. Logan would always be glad he was there to support Veronica as she went through the worst day of her life. He remembered how Lianne Mars got drunk at Keith's funeral and had to be escorted home by two deputies. He also remembered how the only slightly less inebriated Celeste Kane chided Veronica in front of the crowd of mourners because Veronica and Duncan didn't have any children before Keith died so he would never know his own grandchildren - as if they should have known the Sheriff would be killed in the line of duty before that happened.

He knew what it was like to grow up with an alcoholic mother and was shocked as an adult to find that Veronica had the same problem in her home when she was younger - she just hid it well from their group - while it had been a very open and visible problem for him. Being stationed on the other side of the country meant that Logan only had to deal with his own mother's alcoholism the few times a year he came around to visit and pose for photos with Aaron and Lynn, just so his father could send them to the tabloids and show off how his son was a goddamn, honest to goodness U.S.A. brand hero.

The truth was, he never showed up in Neptune for his family; it was Lilly and Veronica and Duncan that were the ones he always came home to, for birthdays, anniversaries, and vacation get-aways. But no matter what brought them together, whenever he visited, he still always looked forward to sitting down with Veronica, at her kitchen table, and talking about their exploits since they last spoke. If he couldn't be her lover, he was damn sure she would still be his friend.

"Veronica's too strong to let anything kill her."

"You're right. She is." Standing, Lilly walked around to the driver's side door and smiled. "We just have to remind her of that."


	2. Chapter 2

When the door swung open, Veronica's wide grin was the first thing Logan noticed, her blue eyes sparkling back at him. The second was the almost-empty crystal wine glass in her hand - the remaining burgundy liquid almost the same colour as her flowing palazzo pants and matching camisole.

"It's so good to see you!" Stepping forward, she wrapped her free arm around Logan, and he inhaled deeply if only for a second, catching the scent of her hair once more in his memory and locking it away for safekeeping.

"It's good to see you too, Veronica." He squeezed her tightly before releasing her, his head making the mental calculation to make sure he didn't hold her too long. "You look good."

It was only partially a lie. At first glance, she looked amazing, but as he stepped closer, he could see the deep lines that had formed – covered by makeup – and the subtle darkening under her eyes. It all reminded him a little too much of Lianne and his own mother, trying to hide the effects of their secret lives.

She brushed her palm down her softly curled hair, stopping at the end of the professional-length bob. Avoiding his eyes, she blushed deeply. "Thanks. I was running late from work, so I didn't really have time to get too fancy for your visit." Stepping over to Lilly, she kissed her on the cheek, letting her arm fall around her waist. "But Lilly always looks fabulous so just look at her instead of me tonight."

Logan's head involuntarily jerked back, his brow wrinkling. This was something new. Veronica had never apologized for her appearance before - once even greeting him at the door in black yoga pants and a baggy t-shirt, still dripping with sweat after her work-out. In an instant, his brain flipped the switch, turning on his role as a military intelligence officer and started seeking out clues to what had happened in the past year that could have caused this monumental change.

"I have enough fabulous to share." Lilly teased, pulling Veronica close to her hip and kissing the side of her best friend's head. "There. Now you're good for the night."

"Thank you, friend." Releasing Lilly, Veronica motioned to them to follow her as she moved through the entryway of the sprawling bungalow, across the living room, and towards the back yard.

Logan knew that this was their favorite place to entertain - the sprawling lounge set up near their pool, complete with comfy seating, a gas fireplace, solid wood dining table, and outdoor kitchen. Next to their pool was a custom-built hot tub and many was the night over the years that all four of them – or five, depending on who Lilly was dating – ended up in there, laughing and talking until morning.

"Mrs. Ramirez made a bunch of side dishes and an amazing chocolate cheesecake for us before she left for the night and Duncan was just waiting for you guys to show up so he could do the steaks. According to him, one second over or under cooking and these Kobe beef strip loins will be _ruined._" She waved her hand in the air with a dramatic flourish, her voice a cutting mimic of Duncan. "My favorite steaks are still the ones my dad used to make on the hibachi, so what do I know?"

Logan cringed. He remembered how Duncan's mother tried to talk him out of marrying "below his potential" – knowing that Veronica had to get into Stanford on brains and scholarships while Duncan only had to have his father make a few calls. She was part of their group more because of her connection to Lilly and her father's position as the longest serving Sheriff of Balboa County, not because of her family's wealth like the rest of them. That's what made her so down to earth – more so than the rest of them - and was part of Logan's attraction to his tell-it-like-it-is friend.

Stepping through the sliding glass doors out to the patio, they spied Duncan, dressed in khakis and a red Polo shirt, opening a bottle of wine by the fire. He raised his head and smiled at them just as the cork popped, the sound reverberating across the tiled space.

"Hey! Welcome all! Just opening another bottle of wine." Jerking his head towards the fridge, Duncan dragged his teeth over his bottom lip. "Your beer is in the fridge behind the bar, Logan. Got you all the classics – Heineken, Beck's, Budweiser – in won't-get-you-drunk form."

Nodding, Logan detoured on his approach to the bar as Lilly continued towards her brother, hands on her hips.

"You guys started without us?"

"Yeah – you know how Veronica likes a nice glass of Chianti after a hard day at work." Reaching out to Veronica, he lifted her now empty glass and refilled it as she watched, hungrily. "Don't you, babe?"

"Another rough day," she murmured, reaching for the the now partially full glass from Duncan, without making eye contact and taking a long sip.

Sticking his head into the cool fridge, Logan closed his eyes and counted to five, trying to calm himself. If this was the second bottle of wine, and Veronica admitted she hadn't been home very long, that meant that she consumed the bottle quickly and probably on an empty stomach with little to no outward effect on her - something that would have put her under the table just a few years ago. Choosing a Beck's, he popped his head back out, closing the fridge door and exhaling slowly to keep his composure.

"Thanks for the almost-beer. Much appreciated."

Walking over to join the group, he raised one arm and embraced Duncan, slapping him on the back in his best impression of a warm bro-hug. Stepping back, he twisted open his beverage and smiled.

"How long has it been now since you've been sober?" Duncan asked, frowning over his glass of wine as he lifted it to his lips. "Lilly and I were just talking about it a few days ago and I couldn't remember."

"Just got my twelve-year chip from AA." Logan nodded, glancing briefly at Veronica before focusing back on Duncan. "Never regretted it. It was always tough to go up in a plane and get some G's while feeling like the walking dead, and the Navy really frowns on blowing chunks on their expensive equipment."

"But now you're kind of like James Bond." Duncan laughed. "Doesn't that mess with the whole shaken-martini aspect?"

Chuckling, Logan shook his head. "You'd be surprised at how wrong television and movies get what I do. Except for the part about having to kill you if I actually told you anything."

The conversation paused for a split second and Logan realized his last words may have come out a little too harshly. Taking a quick sip of his near beer, he laughed. "But I won't. For old times' sake."

Veronica snorted, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as she bursts into laughter, her voice high and giggly and Logan recognizes it as her 'drunk laugh' from times past. It used to be that he would hear it late at night – now they were only a few minutes into their visit, and it was already there. Veronica needed food in her tiny frame before she passed out.

"So, are you cooking up these steaks or what, DK? I'm starving."

Duncan nodded, slapping Logan on the shoulder as he passed by him towards the barbeque. "It's all waiting – only have to drop them on the grill for a few minutes and we're ready."

"Yeah – Logan insisted on working out when he got to my place." Lilly sighed, her eyes glancing over his fully clothed form. "And by working out, I do mean using Catherine's elliptical in the media room."

"Hey, part of my sobriety is working out every day, and I was traveling so…"

"You could have done laps in our pool." Veronica giggled again. "Would have been quite the show."

"Veronica! You devil!" Lilly laughed, playfully slapping Veronica's arm.

A high blush filled Veronica's face and she avoided Logan's eyes. "I just mean…the last time you were over…in the hot tub you were going on about how you got so…stacked? Is that the word?"

"She just figured you should show off what you've been _working_ on lately," Lilly interjected with a wink. "Right, Vee? I mean, it seems like forever since we've seen you."

Lowering his eyes, Logan nodded towards the ground, raising them to once more connect with Veronica's – now looking at him with a glassy intensity. He remembered that look from before it started to dull with time. Two years ago, it had been at her father's funeral, as she stood in the corner, bereft and abandoned by the only man she probably felt had truly loved her. Only because she didn't know about him.

"About that…I feel like I should apologize to you, Veronica. I've been a terrible friend these last few years and haven't visited as often as I should, but with my new position, my life has just been a bit chaotic and I never thought that…"

"Bygones," she stated, raising her hand to stop him. "I got your emails but sometimes I just couldn't bring myself to answer them. It's been rough without my dad, but I'm managing now. So, I'm sorry too."

Stepping closer to her, he watched her body tighten, her shoulders squaring as his frame shadows her from the soft patio lights.

"But I'm here for you, now. If you need me." His voice dropped and he heard the clicking of Lilly's heels as she walked away from them in the direction of the barbeque and Duncan. "Anything. If there's anything at all. I'm here for a week and then I'm back in Maryland. I have a house and friends and a good life that you are welcome to be a part of any time you need."

Blinking rapidly at his words, as if trying to comprehend through the alcohol haze, she frowned. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying…I'm saying I'm here for you, Veronica. Always."

"Steaks are ready!"

"That was fast. Are they still mooing?" Stepping back from Veronica, he nodded at her before turning, striding across the patio towards Duncan.

"That's how they're supposed to be - nice and rare." Duncan puffed up his chest as if he killed, skinned, and butchered the animal himself. "Kobe beef, man! The best there is for the best friend a guy could have."

That one hurt and Logan felt the knife-like guilt twist in his stomach. He had talked to Lilly for hours leading up to this dinner and both were prepared for what was going to happen - tonight, their friendships were about to change drastically as they chose Veronica over Duncan. And as much as he loved Veronica, the thought of turning on his best friend – his brother – made him ill.

"Thanks, Duncan. Thanks a lot."


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of the evening progressed pleasantly enough, with the food taking the edge off the visible effects of the alcohol on Veronica for a time, but once dessert was over, Duncan switched to mixing everyone but Logan highballs, insisting that the sober person could drive Lilly home. With every drink Duncan handed Veronica, the knot around Logan's heart tightened, watching Veronica change from a vivacious, intelligent conversationalist, full of laughter and fun, to a quiet, sedate Stepford Wife, sitting at the edge of the outdoor couch as Duncan's voice dominated the conversation, speaking as he always did about everything and anything he thought may impress the crowd.

"I'm just saying, while I'm not what you call a 'fan', Trump's policies have been good for a lot of businesses, including Kane Enterprises."

Lilly rolled her eyes, her head lolling back over the back of her wicker chair and Logan supposed she did it just to keep her eyeballs in her head.

"I put up with enough Trump-talk with Mom and Dad, Donut. Just shut up, alright?"

Jerking his head towards Lilly, Logan smiled. "Listen to your sister, DK. I'd hate to put you in a sleeper-hold to make you stop talking politics."

He glanced at Veronica, as if waiting for her to jump in and say something witty as a retort to her right-wing husband, but she just sat, her eyes fixed on the ice cubes in her glass as she swirled them around and around, catching the light from the glowing gas firepit in the middle of the set-up.

"Veronica, are you okay?" Lilly called from across the fire.

For a second, Veronica looked around as if unsure where the voice was coming from, and then realizing it was Lilly, she smiled weakly and nodded. Duncan came and sat down next to her; his hand placed on her knee.

"She's fine. Just having a little fun." Logan watched as Duncan's hand slid down her thigh to her hip and he leaned over to kiss her neck, causing her to flinch slightly.

All night, Logan observed Veronica's behaviour as she dodged Duncan's advances, slipping away from his arm around her waist, flicking his hand as he reached for it at dinner, even side stepping as he came in to kiss her on the cheek after dinner. But now, under the influence, there was no fight left in her and she yielded to her husband's advances.

Leaping to his feet, Logan pursed his lips, unable to control himself anymore. "Duncan - we need to talk."

"Why? Are you breaking up with me?" Duncan laughed, tossing back the remainder of his drink before placing it on the lip of the fireplace.

"Maybe. Get your ass in the house - now."

Something inside Logan shook loose and for a second he contemplated picking his friend up by the collar and beating him senseless right there in front of everyone, like in his old barroom brawling days. But he had changed, evolved, and he wasn't going to go there. Yet.

Grudgingly, Duncan stood, glancing from Lilly to Veronica. "Fine. Lils, you want to mix Veronica another drink while I'm gone?"

Taking the glass from Veronica's hand, he walked past the fire and handed it to Lilly who scowled back.

"Sure. 7-Up right?"

"And vodka." Duncan grinned. "Make it a double, okay?"

Lilly tossed her hair over her shoulder, a sneer pressed across her lips. "Yeah. Sure."

Logan continued towards the glass doors and he heard Duncan's footsteps follow. Refusing to look back, he continued, striding through the house until they were in the front living room, far enough away that if he needed to hit Duncan, no one would hear him scream. Turning on his heel, he came nose to nose with his friend.

"What the fuck are you doing, Duncan?"

"What do you mean?" Duncan stepped away, an incredulous look on his face. "What am I _doing,_ Logan?"

"Getting your own wife drunk! On purpose for Christ's sake!"

"I'm not getting her drunk on purpose - Veronica's an adult and she likes to have a few drinks on a Friday after a hard day at work. I'm just helping her out."

"No. No, you're not." Logan turned and began to pace the room, trying to keep control. "I've seen this before, in my own household. My father used to do this to my mother so she was docile, and he could control her moods - it kept her from fighting back when he beat me at night and from complaining when he slipped away at night to fuck some girl on his yacht."

"I think in therapy talk, this is what's called _projecting_, Logan." Duncan leaned on the arm of the white leather couch and chuckled, crossing his arms. "Just because you're a teetotaler, you think anyone having a good time is an alcoholic."

Logan's fist clenched for a second before he forced it to relax at his side, turning to confront Duncan again.

"No, I've been watching all night – at the beginning of the evening, Veronica could barely be around you, and now, she's decidedly less discerning. Now that she's drunk, that is."

"Well, firstly, she's not drunk. She's just laid-back." Standing, Duncan walked towards his friend, eyes narrowing in a way that made Logan think he looked like some comic-book villain. "And second, you don't know what it's like to be married as long as us. Sometimes, Veronica just needs to…relax…before we go to bed, if you know what I mean."

The implication of Duncan's words sent a wave of white-hot hatred through Logan's veins. Wrinkling his face in disgust, he closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose as he took a cleansing breath.

"So, you're saying you have to get your wife inebriated for her to have sex with you?"

"I don't _have to_, but she definitely doesn't reject me when she's had a few."

Stealing himself against the thoughts in his head, Logan took a deep breath, opening his eyes to focus on Duncan's eyes, to see if he's lying or not at the answer to his next question.

"Is she sober enough to_ consent_ to what you're doing?"

Duncan scoffed, his face a crooked smile. "Of course, she consents – she's my _wife_. That's how it works."

Logan was sure he was going to throw up on Duncan's expensive shoes and he dropped to a crouch on the balls of his feet, covering his face with his palms as all the blood seems to rush from his body, leaving him feeling cold. Spots danced in front of his eyes and for a split second, he entertained the thought of wrapping his hands around Duncan's throat. But instead he gathered himself and stood, pushing his impulses aside.

"Lilly was right to call me back home. You don't deserve Veronica – you never have."

"What? And you do?" Duncan sneered, his eyebrow arching at his friend. "You don't think I've noticed how you've looked at Veronica, do you? All these years, that pining, woobie-Logan face whenever she's in the room. I knew you were in love with her, back when you were still with Lilly in high school but couldn't take your eyes off my girlfriend in the pink bikini by the pool. It was almost comical that you had the girl all the guys wanted and the one you wanted was the one who didn't want you, she wanted me. But it doesn't matter, because she's _mine_ – always has been, always will be."

"She's not _yours_." Logan growled, standing and stepping towards Duncan, causing him to flinch and step back, his expression changing to that of fright that Logan may in fact strike him. "She's no one's. Veronica is her own person and that right there tells me that you know nothing about the woman who you have spent the better part of your life with. It also tells me you don't see her as anything more as one of your possessions."

Striding past him, Logan hurried towards the back door, leaving Duncan standing dumbstruck in the living room. Bursting through the glass doors, he continued towards Veronica and Lilly, who now sat next to her, giving her a sip of what he assumed was water from a tall Tiki glass.

"What's going on, Logan?" Lilly called out, shifting her focus momentarily to him.

Coming around the couch, Logan knelt near Veronica. She turned towards Logan, her glassy eyes blinking blankly back at him. Hesitantly, he reached out with a shaky hand, his palm gently cradling her cheek. At his touch, she sighed, closing her eyes and leaning into him, her own hand coming up to grasp his. For a moment, they stayed this way, and Logan's heart pounded in his ears.

"Veronica. I need to ask you something – do you want to stay here with Duncan anymore?"

She opened her eyes, and for the first time in years, he saw the fire in them he once did, not as bright as it was, but the flicker remained.

"No," she whispered. "No, I don't."

Nodding, Logan glanced over at Lilly, who rose and placed the water glass on the edge of the fireplace. "We can take her to my place now. We still fit each other's clothes – she can wear something of mine until we sort things out and can come back for her things."

"Okay." Turning his attention back to Veronica, Logan leaned towards her, speaking softly. "We'll get you out of here tonight if that's what you want."

"Yes…yes…" she murmured, her head bobbing slightly as her eyes closed again. "I was hoping it was you."

Logan's heart clenched as Veronica slumped slightly in her seat, unable to fight the effects of the alcohol anymore. Shifting quickly, he slipped his arms underneath her, picking her up easily in his arms, giving her a slight toss as he adjusted her close to his body. Lilly tucked her dangling arm up onto her body, nodding to Logan.

"Let's go."

Turning towards the back door, they spied Duncan, standing at the doorway, looking like he was ready for a fight. Striding towards him, Lilly held out her hand.

"Don't even try to stop us, Donut. We should have done this years ago."

"You can't come in here and steal my wife, you bitch! That's _my_ wife!"

Pressing her hand to Duncan's chest, Lilly gave him a shove, just enough that in his inebriated state he staggered slightly back, knocking himself against the metal door frame.

"We're not stealing her, you idiot. We're setting her free!"

Placing her body between Duncan and Logan, Lilly stood her ground, allowing Logan to pass behind her with Veronica in his arms. When he was through into the living room, he heard the quick clicking of Lilly's heels as she came up behind him, passing on his right as she made her way to the front door. The steady stomping of Duncan's steps echoed in the house and Logan quickened his pace, making sure not to drop Veronica as he hurried. Slipping sideways through the front door, Lilly followed again, opening the passenger side door of her Range Rover allowing Logan to slip Veronica safely from his arms before securing her in place with the seatbelt.

"You'll never get away with this!" Duncan called out from the front door.

"That's what all the villains in stories say!" Lilly yelled back, handing Logan her keys as she stepped out of the way, letting him pass around the vehicle to the driver's side door. "At least you know your lines, Donut!"

Logan couldn't help but snicker as he slammed the door, watching Duncan stand helplessly as Lilly gave him the finger before climbing into the back seat, a large grin on her face. Tossing her hair over her shoulder, her eyes sparkled with glee.

"God, I've been wanting to do that for a while. Now quick, let's get back to my house before Sleeping Beauty yaks in my car."

Giving her a quick salute, Logan started the vehicle. "Yes, ma'am. Let's get this mission wrapped."


	4. Chapter 4

Logan awoke with a start to the sound of dry heaving, jumping up from his makeshift bed on Lilly's chaise lounge. Veronica was gone – leaving Lilly behind, sleeping in the king-sized bed – and Logan surmised that she must have decided the bucket they placed next to her was inadequate.

The door to the bedroom was wide open and the sound of Veronica getting sick again in the bathroom next door echoed down the hallway. Wrinkling his nose, Logan rubbed his face with his palms, trying to shake off the memory of his years waking up this way too. When he looked back, his view of the past makes him feel like he is an entirely different person now – sure his DNA held fast to the core of who he was, but between his physical transformation from working out at the gym every day, and his mental transformation from rich-boy-jackass to model citizen, he sometimes wondered if anyone would recognize him when he came home to Neptune.

Padding in bare feet through the room, he decided to close the door behind him, leaving Lilly to sleep while he took care of Veronica. Coming around the corner to the open bathroom door, he saw her bent over the toilet, a towel under her knees protecting her from the cold tile floor – the mark of someone who had done this enough times to know. Walking up to her, he crouched, placing his hand on her back as she lurched, throwing up nothing but air.

"Have you had any water yet?" he asked softly, making small, comforting circles with his palm.

She nodded, sitting back on her heels, her eyes closed as she took a cleansing breath through her nose. "Why I'm barfing."

Logan sighed, shifting to sit cross-legged next to her as he continued to rub her back. Her face was pale, deep circles under her eyes, her hair moist with perspiration.

"I remember those days – when your stomach rejects everything, even what is good for you."

Shifting her weight, Veronica sat slowly, lowering herself delicately onto the tiles next to Logan. He thought he had seen her at her worst, shortly after her father died. Never could he imagine that one year later, that would seem like her best. In her rumbled camisole and pants, he now noticed how thin she's become as her clothes hung from her already tiny frame. Pulling her legs up to her chest, she wrapped her arms around her knees.

"We want to help you, Veronica. Lilly and I want to make sure you have the support you need to get you to a much better place."

Scoffing, she lowered her cheek to her knees, looking over at Logan as he continued to rub her back.

"A much better place, huh? I thought I was there. Living the dream – successful career, husband, house. Isn't that what I was supposed to do?"

"What do _you_ want to do, Veronica? It's about how _you_ define your success, not what others think."

Taking a deep breath, Veronica let it out slowly, through clenched teeth, her eyes focusing somewhere off in the distance, lost in a thought.

"I…I don't know. All I know is I remember a time, when I was younger when I wanted to be a lawyer to help people – like my dad did with his work. Except somehow, that changed and instead I became that person who was very good at getting rich people richer by screwing over the little guy." Closing her eyes, she pursed her lips for a second, as if trying to hold back another round of vomit before continuing. "And Duncan…well…that hasn't been good for a long time – if it ever was, but that was my fault from the start."

"How are Duncan's failings as a human your fault?"

Opening her eyes, Veronica met Logan's angry gaze with soft, sad eyes. "I was the one who said yes to his proposal, even if I wasn't sure he was the right person for me."

"That's hardly your fault, Veronica. We were all young and stupid back then – he shouldn't have asked you right after we graduated anyway. We all barely knew who we were back then." He chuckled, pausing as he shook his head. "Hell, some days I'm still not too sure who I am."

Veronica's eyes glistened before the tears brimming on her lashes fell. Logan's chest constricted in anguish for his friend, knowing exactly what it was like to hit rock bottom.

"Who am I, Logan? Can you tell me? Because right now, I feel like I've forgotten. Like, I see a vague memory of what I was like, once upon a time, but now it all just feels so hard and cold that I'm afraid she's gone."

Brushing his thumb across her cheek, Logan wiped her tears away and resisted the urge to pick her up in his arms and comfort her.

"The Veronica I know is kind and funny, and smarter than everyone in the room," he began quietly, keeping his eyes on her as he spoke, trying to see if what he was saying got through. "She loves her friends and family, fiercely, and would do anything for them. She's strong and physical and could probably take me in a game of tackle football just based on pure use of physics and talent."

A smile cracked across Veronica's lips and he smiled back, despite the situation.

"The Veronica you describe is kind of cool," she whispered.

"Not _kind of_ – **is**."

Unwrapping her arms, Veronica sat up, wiping her tears before reaching out for Logan's hand and he held her tightly feeling the coolness of her fingers begin to warm in his palm.

"You can get to that place again, Veronica – you just have to take the first step and ask for help. Lilly's been researching some options to help you and there are a couple of rehab clinics that have availability immediately. Sixty-days and more if you need. We will pay for everything - all you have to do is tell us if you're ready to help yourself and let us help you."

"Rehab's for alcoholics."

She said it in such a matter of fact way that Logan was taken aback for a second, trying to figure out if she was identifying what it was, or admitting that she was in fact an alcoholic.

"Yes. It is. Mainly because the name 'Disneyland' gave people the wrong impression of what went on there. And it was taken."

A snort of laughter erupted from her and she covered her mouth, this time to hide her wide smile.

"You're joking about being an alcoholic? That's dark, even for you Logan."

Shrugging, Logan shifted to playfully knock his shoulder against hers. "Hey, twelve-years sober and how I made it through a lot of it was my dark and twisted sense of humour."

Her laughter began to subside slowly, a look of melancholy replacing it. "So, I guess that means you think I'm an alcoholic."

"Doesn't matter what I think, Veronica. This is about you. Do _you_ think you're an alcoholic?"

Raising a pink-manicured nail to her lips, she bit it intently, her eyes drifting again to the emptiness of the room.

"Yeah. I think I am." Taking a sharp breath, her gaze returned to Logan. "Just like my mother. You know that's why I never wanted kids - because I didn't want to turn out like her? Quite the shocker that I still managed to take after her, huh?"

"Veronica, the first thing you're going to learn is just because your mother was an alcoholic, doesn't mean you _are_ her. Her alcoholism gave you a predisposition, but you are still your own person, who has the power to change yourself in your own way. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but admitting you have a problem and want help is the hard first step. And like I said, I'm here for you, if you need me."

"I'm not very good at needing people," she sighed, scooting closer to him.

Her hand found his and she grasped it with both hands, as if he was anchoring her to the present, if only for a moment.

"Neither am I, but sometimes, you have to make the leap and trust that the people you love will catch you."

"And do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Love me?"

All the air escaped from Logan's lungs and in an instant he felt light-headed, looking deeply into Veronica's eyes. Her eyelashes fluttered slightly as a soft pink rose in her cheeks and he could tell exactly what she was asking him – did he love her as a friend or something more?

"Yes, Veronica. I love you. I always have, and I always will."

She inhaled sharply, her hands squeezing his as tears filled her eyes once more. When she opened her mouth to speak, her lip trembled, and he thought she might completely crumble right there in front of him.

"I need to ask you…do you remember a night…it was just after graduation…"

"When I accidentally crawled into your bed?"

"_Accidentally_?"

Logan's stomach turned as her eyes went wide in shock. "No, I mean, it was an accident because I thought it was Lilly, but then when I found out it was you…"

"You were disgusted with me and ran." Her voice had bite and he flinched in response.

"No! I wasn't disgusted at all - at least not with you," he announced, his voice raised with anxiety that he may be blowing it. "I was disgusted with _me_ for finding myself in bed with the girl I had been secretly in love with for years - a girl that happened to be engaged to my best friend - and all I wanted was to continue to kiss you until…"

Swallowing hard, Logan closed his eyes at the idea that he could have been no better than Duncan that night, taking advantage of the situation with Veronica and using it to his advantage.

"I didn't want to get to the point where something happened that you didn't fully _want_ to have happen. Hell, I wasn't even sure you knew it was me - you never said my name and barely even opened your eyes."

Veronica's mouth dropped open and she gasped for breath, before the tears flowed freely down her face. Letting go of his hand, she wiped her face quickly, rolling her eyes to the ceiling to try and stop the flow of tears. 

"Oh God. All these years, I thought that you didn't want to make love to me that night because I was this horrible person who…"

"No! Veronica no!" He pulled her into his embrace there on the floor, pressing her tiny body to his for dear life. "If you had said my name - if you had told me you wanted me too - I would have made love to you all night and then run as far away from Neptune with you as I could get. But I never knew if you even remembered it was me in your bed that night."

Veronica's breath delicately swept across his ear as she wrapped herself around him, climbing up into his lap as they stayed tethered together.

"I was hoping it was you. I was hoping it was you." The words from that night repeated over and over in his ear as Logan rocked her slowly, comforting them both. "I was hoping it was you because for years, I loved you from afar and I thought that you had finally found out. Somehow, I thought you knew that I loved your humour and your intellect and your love of books and art and how you made me feel when you looked at me - like you could see right into my very being."

Burying his face in her hair, Logan pulled her close as her legs wrapped tightly around his waist. He wanted to cry. He wanted to leap for joy. He wanted to take her into the other room and make love to her until they forgot the last fifteen-years even happened. But he knew he couldn't, so instead he held on just a few minutes more, until her sobbing into his shoulder subsided. When it did, he pulled back slightly to look at her again, with fresh eyes. Brushing her hair from her face, he forced a small smile at her red, tear-stained appearance.

"Veronica, you have to understand something – if you want to go to rehab, I'll support you as your friend while you get your life together – but you need to know that if we do want to try and be...a couple, we need to wait until your recovery is well underway. That's how it works."

A hiccup shook her body and she wiped her face with the back of her hand. "What do you mean? Like until I get out of rehab?"

"No - like a year after that. After you've been through the treatment. After you've decided what you want to do with your career. After you've decided what to do about your marriage. I can be there to support you as your friend, as much as I can, but you need to do this yourself."

Sliding back a bit on his lap, she frowned, brow knitted tightly, lips pursed in annoyance. "What if I want to make up for lost time sooner than that?"

Shaking his head, Logan sighed. "Then we can't be together. That's just the bottom line, because while I do love you, over the last twelve-years, I've also learned to love myself, and I know that getting romantically involved with another alcoholic could eventually lead to both our destruction. We'd be doomed before we even started."

"Funny. You didn't mention the fact that I'm married in that statement."

"Because after what I saw last night, and heard from Duncan, I don't consider him your husband anymore. Just some jackass you live with."

Arching an eyebrow, Veronica smirked. "Hmm. That's how I started to think of him too."

Leaning towards her, Logan kissed her forehead, lingering for a moment before pulling away. She softly smiled up at him before resting her head against his chest, and they both exhaled deeply, content in each other's arms. Running his fingers slowly up her spine, Logan rested his cheek on top of her head.

"It will all turn out, Veronica. I promise you, it will. You are still the strong, smart, capable woman I have always loved, and I know you can get through this. It just takes time, but I promise it'll be worth it."

They stayed in the silence of the bathroom, held together, knowing that it would have to last them until everything began to straighten itself out.

"I already know it will be worth it," she whispered. "I know."


	5. Chapter 5

It had been one year. One year, three weeks, two days, and fifteen hours to be precise. Logan knew this because on the plane back to Neptune, he had calculated it in his head. The exact time since he had last seen Veronica in person, the day he and Lilly had driven her to The Hills Rehabilitation Centre in L.A. As he hugged her one last time, in the intake office just before she was whisked away, he promised he would always be there for her, and he was, as much as she wanted him to be. When she got out sixty-days later, she phoned him from the car as Lilly drove them back to Neptune and explained that she understood why they needed to be separated – for now – and instead took his help in the form of weekly phone calls, daily texts, and the occasional email when he was sent overseas. Knowing Veronica had Lilly and Catherine for support made it only slightly easier, but he was glad she had come to this conclusion, to give them a good foundation for when the time was right for both.

Her divorce from Duncan was easy – she promised not to press marital-rape charges against him, and drag the entire divorce into the public eye, and he signed the papers saying what was hers, was hers, and what was his, was his. She gave him everything – the houses, the art, the cars – in favour of a cash settlement so she could live debt free and buy a new vehicle that she said, "didn't reek like his cheap cologne." A part of Logan wanted Veronica to take Duncan for every cent, but when she explained that she didn't want to open her life to that kind of media scrutiny and instead opted to take the quick and dirty way out, the son of two actors understood completely. Proving once more what a smart lawyer she was, Veronica took the upper hand and in the end, Duncan got exactly what was coming to him - all the riches and status he ever wanted, but remained utterly alone, having lost not only Veronica, but his own sister and his best friend thanks to his actions.

The clinic set her up with a good therapist who she saw once a week, to deal with the emotional roots of her alcoholism and to come to terms with Duncan's abuse, and she was diligent in attending AA meetings every night. She had enough savings so that, when combined with her settlement, she was able to quit the job she hated and continue to live with Lilly and Catherine, choosing instead to volunteer for the past year with the ACLU and various organizations that helped immigrant families coming up across the border. She often told Logan during their marathon conversations how something in her work was healing her soul, and she felt like Keith would be proud of what she was doing with her life.

Then, last week, when he said he had a month off to burn some of his holiday time, she casually suggested that he come for a visit. Lilly and Catherine had more than enough room in their home and they would be happy to see him. That _she_ would be happy to see him.

When his plane finally landed in Neptune, Logan was vibrating inside from spending hours thinking about what could_ be_. Walking through the arrivals gate, he immediately spied Lilly and Veronica, arms wrapped around each other's waists, both grinning wildly at him. Veronica looked better than he had ever seen her – her face round and rosy, the curves of her body returned under her tight jeans, black tank top, and knee-high leather boots. As he stepped up to them, Lilly laughed.

"You didn't wear your uniform! I was all ready with my 'Officer and a Gentleman' quotes this time!"

Glancing down at his khakis and navy-blue shirt, Logan shrugged. "I could turn around and get it…"

"Don't you dare!" Lilly sprang from Veronica's grasp and threw her arms around him, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. "Welcome home, Logan."

Pausing to let Lilly step back, Logan nodded to Veronica, allowing her to choose how she wanted to greet him. To his heart's delight, she quickly stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek to his chest. Letting go of the handle of his suitcase, he wrapped both arms around her as well, squeezing her tightly.

"It's so good to see you," she murmured.

Pressing his cheek to her head, he breathed in the subtle scent of her vanilla and floral perfume. "It's good to see you too."

Releasing him, Veronica stepped back, her hand dropping to his and grasping it tightly. Glancing down at their connection, a wide smile spread across his lips and he looked up to see her smiling back, shyly, as if still unsure if what she was doing was okay.

He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed her knuckles gently, watching her eyes light up with delight. She looked again like the girl he fell in love with all those years ago, the stress of the last few years fading with time and care. Coming around beside him, Veronica wrapped her arm around his, her head resting for a second on his bicep. He grabbed the handle of his suitcase and nodded to Lilly as she smiled back at them.

"If you guys are done being adorable, we need to get going – Catherine is making homemade lasagna for dinner and we need to get home while it's still burn-your-tongue hot. That's when it's the best!"

Glancing down at Veronica, Logan flexed his bicep and her head rose from its spot, looking up at him, the wide smile still on her lips.

"Are you ready, Veronica?"

"Always," she sighed.

By 2 a.m. Logan and Veronica had outlasted Lilly and Catherine, who said good night hours before. But the two stayed up talking by the fireplace, laughing and catching up as they drank sparkling water and nibbled on left-over garlic bread.

"No, I mean It. Intelligence work is sometimes really boring. Like, a few days ago, I spent twelve hours listening to a conversation between these two men who we suspect are setting up domestic terrorism clusters around the States and the most I got out of it was they both had serious feelings about who the latest 'Bachelor' should have chosen."

Veronica snorted, covering her mouth as she laughed to make sure the Perrier water didn't come out her nose.

"Sounds thrilling. But I thought you weren't supposed to tell me about your job or you'd have to kill me?"

"Bah." Logan swept his hand in the air dramatically, adjusting his hand to cradle his head as he sprawled further across the fluffy white-fur rug. "Two nitwits talking about television isn't anything. Now if I told you their names and which State they were in, we may have a problem."

"Oh well, lucky me."

Veronica laughed, placing her glass on the coffee table and stretching across the rug too, mimicking Logan's lounging, her body inches away from his.

It had been like this all evening – the easy company kept between them as if no time had passed at all. During dinner, she reached under the table for his hand several times and he gladly obliged the small gesture of intimacy. After, as they retired to the living room, Lilly and Catherine cuddled up together in a giant round lounge chair, while Logan and Veronica took the red velvet couch. Instead of choosing to sit on one side, she sat down next to Logan, her hand draping on his knee while his arm stretched across her shoulders.

For the first time in his life, Logan could honestly say he felt _content_. Throughout the evening as they all talked and laughed, it felt as if this was how it was always meant to be – easy and warm. All the difficult conversations had been done by phone and now, they were left to bask in the light of what was their present.

She yawned, breaking his train of thought and she rubbed her eyes, smiling in that soft, doughy way. "This has been nice."

"It has."

In the silence, only the soft click of the gas fireplace was heard as the flames illuminated them both. Dropping her gaze, Veronica blushed, her teeth catching her bottom lip momentarily before her eyes returned to his.

"But I think it's time for bed."

"It is. You must be tired."

Veronica blinked rapidly; a coy smile played on her lips. "No. I'm not."

"Oh."

For a second, Logan was dumbfounded by her innuendo – a side of her he hadn't seen in many years. There had been funny flirtations between them when they were teens and it was only in the past year that he realized those weren't just for fun, that she meant every nuance of it.

Shimmying closer to him, Veronica raised her head, the tip of her nose brushing his. "A year ago, you said to me that I was a strong, intelligent woman, who was more than capable of what needed to be done to get my life back on track. Well, now, a year later, I have. But something is still missing from it."

The corner of Logan's mouth twitched up into a sly smile and he slid his fingers along her cheek, tucking a section of hair behind her ear.

"And what's that?"

"You," she whispered, leaning closer to brush her lips across his.

The first pass of her lips was hesitant, as if seeking his permission, and he closed his eyes, relishing the tingling that ran through his core and spread through every inch of his body. When she realized he wasn't pushing her away, she let her kiss linger just a bit longer, a low hum rising in the back of her throat. Wrapping his arm around her waist, he pulled her body against his and she opened her mouth in a gasp, allowing him the opportunity to sweep his tongue across the edge of her lips. Her fingers threaded through his hair, and he moaned in response to the gentle tug as she tightened her grip on him.

They made love slowly that night, taking time to savour every caress, every taste, every scent of each other's bodies in a way Logan had never experienced before. Whenever he imagined what it would be like to make love to Veronica, it was still with the eyes of a teenager. Never could he have known what it was like to make love to the confident woman, directing him on all the ways her body needed to be pleasured. His head nestled between her thighs, making her cum for the second time, he had the faintest thought that if he were to die at this moment, his life would be worth it. But when she pushed him onto his back and mounted him, the warmth of the fire making her pale skin glow, he wished he could live a long life with Veronica in his bed every night. When he finally came in a blinding flash of white light, as he opened his eyes to see her grinning mischievously down at him, he couldn't help but laugh at the great joy that filled his heart.

She was unabashed at falling asleep naked on the fur rug, curled up next to him, the fire warming them against the cool air and the next time Logan opened his eyes, it was Lilly smiling down at him; the coolness of the blanket she spread over his naked body sending a shiver down his skin.

"Thought you two may need this," Lilly whispered, playfully wrinkling her nose at him.

"Thanks, Lilly," he replied quietly. Veronica shifted in his arms next to him under the covers but didn't wake up.

Pulling her red silk Kimono around herself, Lilly leaned over and kissed Logan on the forehead, her hand pressing on his bare chest.

"It should have been this way all along, Lo. I'm just glad I could do something about it now, before it was too late."

Giving Veronica a gentle squeeze, he turned his head to plant a soft kiss on her forehead and she sighed in her sleep.

"Me too, Lilly. Me too."


End file.
